Comfort and Community When Life Sucks

—Stephen Carradini

[The following is an article by Chris’ longtime friend, Stephen Carradini. If you enjoy the article, drop by his author page to check out his bio and some of his other writing. Stephen will be a semi-regular voice on Pillar on the days ahead, so make sure you give him a warm reception in the comments.]

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In my last article on suffering, I concluded that the eschatological and the earthly are both appropriate realms for hope. But when suffering, it’s hard to remember that.

Christ is the ultimate comfort in suffering; to cast our cares and our selves wholly upon him produces a peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:6-7). Sometimes that peace eludes us for no reason that the sufferer can immediately see, as was the case for Job, David and many others. Especially in those times, the church needs to come around this sufferer for comfort and encouragement.

Do not be deluded: if a Christian aspires to comfort a suffering brother or sister, that Christian had better get used to seeing the sufferer often. A Christian unprepared for that is in danger of doing more harm than good. It is easy to give a listening ear and a comforting hug once; it is much harder (but far more helpful) to “be there” time after time. Effective comforting, like many things in Christianity, happens in ongoing relationships, not as a one-time event.

That relationship can be built, and a sufferer edified, in many ways. Cookies and funny movies aside, I see three important means of serious spiritual comfort: exhortation, prayer and fellowship.

Exhortation: As Kevin DeYoung noted in a recent blog post, we rarely talk about God. The greatest good in the universe is often eschewed in comforting conversations. This may be because the sufferer blames God for his troubles, and comforters are trying to be kind. This is like offering candy to a man on fire. He needs water poured on him, not chocolate in his mouth. Similarly, suffering people need the truth in love, not appeasement. There is a time to be silent, to simply mourn with a sufferer. But to fail to ever remind the sufferer of the good news of the gospel is to fail to be a comfort at all.

Prayer is essential in comforting a suffering brother or sister. I have found that being prayed with and prayed over is of the utmost comfort. A sufferer hearing a Christian brother thoroughly believe what the sufferer is currently struggling to believe can be of immense encouragement (this is also the same reason why exhortation should include the gospel!). Petitioning on the behalf of the sufferer can also be powerful and effective (see James 5:13-18).

Fellowship is also important, but it comes with the caveat I noted above: be prepared to open your life to the sufferer for a time. During one particular rough stretch of about two months, I called the same person every single day. This was a step down in intensity: I had previously lived at his (and his wife’s!) house for a few days during a period of deep anguish. Being a reliable safe haven to the sufferer is a picture of Christ that should not be taken lightly.

There are times when greater responsibilities (to God, to family) will trump the ability to be a significant comfort. This is why real community in the church is essential: without it, all of the burden falls on a few friends, but with it, many members of the church can step up in support. Moreover, this particular type of relationship, though helpful, is meant to be temporary. When a sufferer refuses to get better (whether through consistent rejection of God, love of attention or any other malady), deeper attention is necessary—whether pastoral, medical or both. Again, the Christian community can recognize this need for someone far better than any individual friend. The church can provide support and recommendations as necessary as well.

How does the church make that call? Follow the trajectory and watch the desires of the sufferer. If the sufferer wants to get better and is taking steps in that direction by seeking the Lord, simply continue being an exhortation. This may mean accompanying the sufferer to even lower lows, as long as the sufferer has not displayed a habitual rejection of the Lord. If the sufferer has become dangerous to himself or others, individuals and the church need to get help from people qualified to deal with the situation. Then, above all, the community needs to stay close to and encourage the sufferer. Few things are as painful or frightening as abandonment at one's lowest low.

Comforting the suffering is difficult and time-consuming: Charles Spurgeon was a consistent comforting force in William Cowper’s life for thirty years. Individuals and churches will have to count the cost. But Jesus Christ, who came with a ministry of reconciliation, wants sufferers to be reconciled to him through their suffering. Concerned Christian brothers can accomplish that ministry through exhortation, prayer and fellowship until the sufferer turns his back on God. They can offer support, even when someone needs deeper help than the lay Christian can provide, by standing faithfully by his or her side, no matter how hard the circumstances become. May we all be concerned with ministering to the suffering of our brothers and sisters!